Stuck

I’m finding it to be quite a difficult thing, writing this essay. How am I expected to define my entire existence in six hundred and fifty words or less? How can I express to you who I am in six hundred and fifty words when it has taken me every breath of the last seventeen years to start defining that for myself? There are several things I’d like to write about, but nothing feels right. I could explain to you that every day of my life ADHD has impacted every single thing about me, but I wouldn’t want you to define me by my diagnosis. I could describe the people in my life who have shaped me into my current form, but my words fall hollow. The thoughts, feelings, and experiences that define me are so much larger than words. Six hundred and fifty words just do not suffice. I could try to use all of the words in the English language to describe the agony I’ve felt for so long that it’s begun to feel sweet, but all the words wouldn’t be enough. I was born with my mother’s joy and my father’s anger inside of me, and with every moment that there has been air in my chest, they’ve been at war. I find it nearly impossible to convey this using only the keys on my computer.

I could try to explain to you that I live in constant fear of losing the past and that part of me has always been afraid that my memory is fleeting, that something that has just recently left me is something to fear. That one day I’ll lose all recollection of who I once was, and my strong sense of individuality will dwindle into something long forgotten. This fear is something I constantly feel fidgeting in my bones, the fear of living a life that lacks meaning and is easily forgotten. I think I was born with this insatiable hunger inside me, a fundamental craving to find this meaning. I can’t help to wonder if I was wired to seek out this deeper meaning or if it is a persistent force that has been chasing me. If I’m being chased, is that why I feel like I can never stay still?